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Stephen Morris
           Zucchini Notes

from Proceedings of the 2nd Convocation of the invisible Universe
What it meant to me
  • The Tunbridge World's Fair
  • Central Vermont IS the world
  • Zucchinis are LIFE
  • Pumpkins used to be the coolest vegetable, but now with giant squashes they've lost their cachet
  • Life achievement
The Story behind the story
  • Wild seed/Feral
  • Prolific, not discovered until two weeks before the fair
  • I felt like one of the Wise Men, encountering the Christ child in its blessed manger

The person NOT responsible for my success, but trying to horn in on it

  • Why is there always someone trying to hang onto the coattails
  • Just because it was grown on her land, and she did all the registering for the Fair, including delivering it and picking it up. And just because her name happened to be on the winner's sheet.

The response from out there in zucchini land

  • An outpouring of adolescent semi-witticisms, most of which seem to make a connection between the zuke and the male phallus
  • Ben Watson "Is there such a thing as Zucchini envy?"
  • Ian Baldwin "But who will eat your zucchini"
  • Someone suggested "maybe we can throw it on the grill"
  • For the record, I'm not making any claim of sexual prowess, I'm just saying I've got the biggest zucchini in Central Vermont, if not the world
  • I'm not saying that I'm better endowed than the next guy. I'm just saying if you've got a bigger zucchini, then come on, whip it out.

    Commonly asked questions:

    Q: Why did they misspell "zucchini" on your blue ribbon?
    A: Actually I don't have a good answer for this.

    Q: Is this a genetically altered zuke?
    A: New book Breed Your Own Vegetable Varieties features the equivalent of sexual intercourse on the cover.

    Q: How did you Grow such a behemoth?
    A: Love. We must love all the zucchini in the world. As a little Zuke I sang to it. I performed my Del Shannon medley. In the final days before the competition, I stroked its furrowed brow.

    Q: What is the connection to sustainable living?

    • This honker could feed everyone here.
    • It contains 784 seeds
    • Next year this one squash might feed all of Bangladesh

    Q: Is there any truth to the rumors about you appearing on Letterman?
    A: I'll be on next week for stupid vegetable tricks, signed with the William Morris agency, and signed endorsements for Louisville Sluggers.

    Q: What will become of the zuke?
    A: Stuffed? Bronzed? Cast?
    [ A further suggestion is to have Rob and Jaki Roy erect it, standing stone style, on the lawn of the Tunbridge World's Fair, during the Third Convocation. - ed ]

    Q: Do you have a pet name for the Zuke?
    A: Dub-Ya

    Q: Is it true that a female can increase her chances of conception --or may even become pregnant-- just by touching The Big Zucchini?
    A: Let's just say that three members (so to speak) of the Chelsea Green community are now with child, and the rest are steering a wide berth of the big Zucchini. It's been said that we should forget about books and just start running a fertility clinic. Meanwhile, women are coming from Hither and Yon (that's just across the river) to enter the Sacred Den where they seek to lay their hands on the mighty Zuke. All I can say is "bring me your weak and your tired, your sick and you poor, your lame and your pimpled...."

    Q: What will you do for an encore?
    A: Growing zucchini is to become an Olympic event. Go into training.

  • Stephen Morris

    One Step Consulting
    100 Gilead Brook Road
    Randolph, Vermont 05060

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